parish

Muddled mystics, barmy princesses and online proselytisers news

Hell boy poor Alex Hell, aged five, was left without a school this summer after his local catholic primary denied him a place because of his surname. the principal of st peter the Apostle school in melbourne, Australia, took the decision following consultation with the parish priest, telling Alex’s father: “You have made a rod for your son’s back.” the reason the Hells wanted Alex to attend the school in the first place was because of surname-related bullying at his previous school. the school later agreed to offer Alex a place, providing he used his mother’s maiden name. Needless to say the family told the school to “go to Hell”, obviously using those exact words.

Professor Dawkins was delighted with the cards he got for Christmas

Medium tedium

chinese fortune-tellers won’t be benefiting from their country’s economic boom after their government banned them from running premium rate tV hotlines. Declaring that these services encourage superstition, the ministry of Information Industry has ruled that they be taken off air. In related news, the Sun recently ran an informative piece on how to avoid being ripped off by “fake” astrologers and

psychics. their advice? “For live one-toone readings with one of mystic meg’s reputable psychics call 09064 001 002 or text a question to 80600 and they will send you an answer.” they also recommend you consult the british Astrological and psychic society – “established in 1976, it is a registered body with russell Grant as its founding president and it will help you avoid charlatans.”

Royal communication Bush and me

Not to be outdone by prince charles’s horticultural chats, princess martha Louise of Norway recently claimed that she can read people’s inner feelings and communicate with animals and angels. Generously, martha Louise has opened a private school where she can pass the skills on to her parents’ loyal subjects for the tidy sum of £1,000 a term. Naturally, credulous Nor

wegians have jumped at the chance to study under their princess, with classes filling up immediately. perhaps our own lesser royals should take notes. If they’re tired of William and Harry getting all the press, a supernatural power or two should thrust them into the limelight. How about princess Anne teaching the art of teleportation, or sophie of Wessex raising the dead? that would keep them busy.

6 New Humanist september october 2007

the latest liberal hawk to change his tune is also one of the most prominent. In a stunningly self-serving piece for the New York Times Magazine, michael Ignatieff, currently deputy leader of canada’s Liberal party, acknowledges, but does not apologise for, his mistake in backing bush’s Iraq “debacle”. He puts it all down to the fact that when he was enthusiastically providing an intellectual fig-leaf for invasion, he was, like all academics, more concerned with whether an argument was “interesting” than if it was right. Now, as a politi

cian he has learned that you “cannot cocoon yourself in a world of your own imaginings”, and that the judgements you make are “about people”. Ya don’t say. mind you, his extended mea culpa still finds time to take a dig at those who were against the war, but reached that view only because they were “indulging ideology”, leading into a big finish about how a strong leader is someone who can “give some inkling of knowing what it is to fail”. the ideal leader then, is someone ... just like mike! canada, you have been warned.

Cyber mission With its influence on the wane in the real world the catholic church is looking for new recruits in cyberspace. online virtual reality game Second Life is set to be invaded by catholic missionaries following instructions given in Jesuit journal La Civiltàà Cattolica. Academic priest Father Antonio spadaro urged the faithful to sign up as missionaries to the virtual world, where players create a digital version of themselves and lead a parallel existence. Apparently Second Life players allow these “avatars” to get up to all sorts, including that great enemy of the Vatican – promiscuous sex. spadaro advises that catholics should travel through Second Life attempting to save the souls of anyone who may be allowing computer-generated pixelated characters to fornicate outside of digital wedlock. other immoral acts being committed on there include simulated gambling, cyber drinking and virtual drug use, and the participants will all be the targets of the online missionary effort.

Cover up, ladies: God sees all, even in cyberspace