Contents Contents

ContentsThe weekLeading article 3 Diary Quentin Letts 7 The Spectator’s Notes 9

Christmas survey What would you take as an offering to Baby Jesus? 12

Christmas in L.A. Joan Collins 14

All in a good cause? Ed Howker Many of the big charities have been annexed by government 16

Oh, thank you darling! All Gordon Brown’s speeches in one volume!

Politics James Forsyth 11 Mind your language 22 Tamzin Lightwater looks back on 2009 36 Letters 44 Another voice Matthew Parris 46 A seasonal lament Paul Johnson 48 Ancient and modern 50

How vodka cured my fear of flying Lloyd Evans It’s all quite straightforward if you get paralytic first 18

Technology has enriched us all Rory Sutherland Even millionaire footballers love Grand Theft Auto 20

Meet Farmer Mandelson Fraser Nelson A bucolic life beckons for the first lord of everything 22

Big frocks and lissom ladies Matthew Dennison The pioneer of the panto, Augustus Harris 24

Bring back Father Brown Sinclair McKay G.K Chesterton’s priest-detective should be on telly 26

Letter from Zimbabwe Peter Oborne 28

Books Ferdinand Mount: Concerning E.M. Forster, by Frank Kermode 64

Francis King: Pastors and Masters, by Ivy Compton-Burnett 66

Wendy Cope: ‘Cathedral Carol Service’: a poem 66

David Ekserdjian: Caravaggio, by Sebastian Schütze 67

A.N. Wilson: The Diaries of Sofia Tolstoy, translated by Cathy Porter 68

Giles Foden: A Matter of Time, by Alex Capus 68

Michael Heath: Magic, edited by Noel Daniel 69

Jonathan Cecil: The Bloomsbury Group, edited by Duncan Heyes 70

Lucinda Lambton: The Old Rectory, by Anthony Jennings 71

Andrew Motion: ‘The Visit’: a poem 72

Patrick Marnham: The Dogs and the Wolves, by Irène Némirovsky 72

Business Gordon and our gold Christopher Fildes 54

A sermon for bankers Revd ‘Budge’ Firth 55

How not to get poorer Merryn Somerset Webb 56

Any other business Martin Vander Weyer

57

City Life Elliot Wilson, Johnny Reed, Katrina Manson, Eric Ellis 58

Who’s afraid of Father Christmas? Toby Clements Many children, and with good reason 30

Merry Christmas from Jo’burg Rian Malan And a happy new year, full of World Cup fever 33

La famille recomposée Janine di Giovanni A view from across the Channel 34

Christmas notebook Barry Humphries 38

It’s the end of the world again Daniel Kalder According to the Ancient Mayans, we’re all doomed 40

They taste like carbon footprints

Beryl Bainbridge: Samuel Johnson, by David Nokes 73

Susan Hill on The Wind in the Willows 74

Gary Dexter: Alternative Reading 75

4 THE SPECTATOR 19-26 December 2009

www.spectator.co.uk
Contents

Arts Andrew Lambirth reflects on Stanley Spencer’s ‘Study for Joachim Among the Shepherds’ 76 Henrietta Bredin on boats, trains, planes and other forms of operatic transport 78 Olivia Glazebrook prescribes DVDs to counter those Boxing Day blues 80 Music Robin Holloway 81

Capture their Christmas on your surveillance camera

Schott’s Spectator Almanac Ben Schott 42 Short story: Black Box Jonathan Wynne Evans 52 Christmas short story: The Dreams of Bethany Mellmoth William Boyd 60

Low life Jeremy Clarke

Wild life Aidan Hartley

Real life Melissa Kite

Bridge Susanna Gross

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travel Special Africa for beginners Jeremy Clarke 94 Saxon sensibility Charlotte Metcalf 95 Interview with Celia Imrie 97 Music in the mountains Geoffrey Wheatcroft 98

Merry Christmas from Uncle Sam

Opera: Der Rosenkavalier Michael Tanner 82 Cinema: Nowhere Boy Deborah Ross 83 Theatre: Sweet Charity; Pajama Men: The Last Stand to Reason Lloyd Evans 84 Television James Delingpole 84 Radio Kate Chisholm 86

LIFE Gardens Ursula Buchan

The turf Robin Oakley

Motoring Alan Judd

High life Taki

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90

Cover by Peter Brookes. Drawings by Michael Heath, Castro, K.J. Lamb, GG, Mike Turner, Steve Way, Colin Wheeler, AT, Paul Wood, Bernie, Adam Singleton, RGJ, Geoff Thompson, Holland, Nick Newman and Kipper Williams.

Website: www.spectator.co.uk To subscribe to The Spectator, turn to page 64.

Editorial and advertising The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP Tel: 020 7961 0200 Fax: 020 7961 0250 Email: editor@spectator.co.uk (editorial); letters@spectator.co.uk (letters for publication); advertising@spectator.co.uk (advertising) Advertising fax: 020 7961 0020 Subscription and delivery queries Spectator Subscriptions Dept., 800 Guillat Avenue, Kent Science Park, Sittingbourne ME9 8GU Tel: 01795 592886 Fax: 0870 220 0290 Email: spectator@cisubs.co.uk

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Vol 311; no 9460/9461 © The Spectator (1828) Ltd. ISSN 0038-6952

Subscribe today from £123 a year in the UK The Spectator is published weekly by The Spectator (1828) Ltd at 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP Editor: Fraser Nelson

And finaly . . . The Christmas quiz Christopher Howse 100 Christmas crossword 102 Chess Raymond Keene 104 Competition 104-105 Status anxiety Toby Young 112 Celebrity problems solved Mary Killen 113 Sport Roger Alton 114

‘Put your unwanted gold, frankincense and myrrh in an envelope and mail it to us —

we’ll send you a cheque!’

www.spectator.co.uk

THE SPECTATOR 19-26 December 2009 5