HOLIDAYS (continued)

Lovely villa seeks long-term commitment. Furnished, pool, countryside, serene, seven minutes to centre of Aixen-Provence. bcaaix@nomade.fr, +33 (0) 6 89 72 04 71 or +33 (0) 6 30 55 77 57

Writers: retreat and create. Barn restored with our ancient Welsh woodland timber. Sleeps two (plus child if you’ve abandoned writing) 01239 820850 christinestories@yahoo.co.uk

B&B Soil Association-registered organic hill farm in West Wales. Contact: www.glanmarlaisfarm.co.uk or Tel. 01550 777425

Villa for rent in Provence. Available 23 July-6 August from Sept. weekly/monthly. Furnished, three bedrooms, pool, tennis court, private wooded acre in Luberon Nature Park. www.muskokaprovence.com or sbeckett@muskoka.com.

Stunningly situated cottage in South-West France

Spectacular views. Large private swimming pool. Open-plan living room, TV/DVD. Sleeps six comfortably in three double/twin bedrooms. Two bathrooms. Full linen supplied. Fully-equipped kitchen. South-facing terrace with stone barbecue. Short walk from village. Exciting places to explore & sights to visit.

Fly to Toulouse, Rodez or Carcassonne. Visit our website: www.gite-french.com Tel (+33) 563 404083 email : gisella@wanadoo.fr

LRB Personals Singles Night LONDON REVIEW BOOKSHOP Thursday 2 November 7-9pm

Tuscan retreat. Characterful, beautifully restored farmhouse in spectacular walking country near Arezzo. Three double bedrooms, two bathrooms. From £350 pw. 0207 267 7622 www.mytuscanyhouse.com

Tuscany holiday homes www.chianti.info

Traditional farm houses, villas and village apartments to rent in Tuscany, especially the Chiantizone. Pictures, descriptions, prices.

Not an agency – you book directly with the owners.

Also plenty of maps, places to eat, festivals, walking trails, ceramics, cycling info, wine.

South-West France. Traditional French farmhouse, sleeps six to eight, oak-beamed kitchen, big rambling garden, beautiful water meadow, simple rural pleasures, lake swimming, good eating. £200-£350 pw. 020 8747 3213 www.dordogne-holiday-farmhouse.co.uk

PERSONALS

SPEED DATING for GROWN-UPS!

Age 35+ with no upper age limit. October 2006 dates: Reading 17th, Norwich 18th, London 25th, Brighton 30th

BOOK NOW online: www.kcdating.co.uk or tel. 01728 635064 or 07986 213120

Foucault to postmodernist verbal gymnastics. Just seeking a serious relationship. You attractive, optimistic, tactile, solvent, 45 plus. Me – young-thinking/looking art historian (61), London/M1 corridor. Photo appreciated. Box no. 20/01.

My sexuality has never quite recovered from an early teenage exposure to President Servalan. Male from the unfashionable Upper East Side (of the British Library) seeks F to around 40 with a taste for fine wine, obscure dialogue, and interstellar conquest at goodluckmrg@yahoo.co.uk.

Spirited, meticulous F, 42, tall, keeps in good shape, lives well. Elegant, but can wrangle fowl if necessary (Midwestern girlhood). You are M, 35-50, single, intelligent, solvent, at least six feet tall. You have a well-loved life. You lack annoying personal or criminal habits and the desire for children. You have a stomach which does not obstruct the view of your shoes or belt buckle. No baldies, Karl Marx look-a-likes, or depressives. Like mine, your interests are wide-ranging, your passions specific. Let’s chat over a martini or a mocha. Box no. 20/02.

Widow wanting paradise and poetry in the Peak Park will settle for something less alliterative, like thoughtful dialogue with a healthy hunk. (Oh, there I go again.) Box no. 20/03.

This town isn’t big enough for the both of us. Failed urban planner. M, 48. Didsbury. Box no. 20/04.

Join us for wine and canapés at the LRB Personals singles night and help celebrate the long-awaited publication of the universally feared . . .

THEY CALL ME NAUGHTY LOLA

Bring a friend (non-subscribers welcome). 10% discount off all books bought. Tickets are very limited and are available at £10. Book early to avoid disappointment. Phone 020 7400 1357 or email tbegum@lrb.co.uk

David Rose, the book’s editor and the LRB’s own gangster of love, will be available to sign copies and to dispense completely inappropriate relationship advice. His lawyer, probation officer and priest will also be available to make sure he keeps his hands within sight at all times.

14 BURY PLACE, LONDON WC1A 2JL

PERSONALS (continued)

I got it bad and that ain’t good. Amateur jazz singer (F, 54) seeks glockenspielist/gynaecologist for nights of atonal ramblings through both my medicine cabinet and your prescription pad. No crazies. Box no. 20/05.

Safety first. Dignity second. Trousers last. Rubbish wok-cooked foods enthusiast and flammable materialswearing loon (M) WLTM F to 45 with fire blanket and no small amount of knowledge regarding the correct batterfrying procedures for tempura. Bicester. Box no. 20/06.

Let’s wipe the slate clean. Lacklustre, melancholic and depressive rock-climbing PhD (M, 29) unable to get a foothold in anything seeks woman with those funny metal things that stab into crevices and stop you from plummeting to a certain death. Or something. Box no. 20/07.

‘Du bist eine maultasche’. Not, it transpires, the correct greeting when welcoming an ‘art’ publisher. Gullible publicity exec (F, 28) and the butt of all the jokes with the Frankfurt ‘in crowd’ seeks avuncular M to 40 with penchant for hitting enemies with sticks. Box no. 20/08.

These adverts give birth to a thousand violent dreams. And when I awake I am no longer immune to the desperate cries of the damned. After-dinner speaker and corporate entertainer (M, 57) seeks lover/CV writer/exorcist for nights of re-aligning my career path and silencing the voices. Box no. 20/09.

At first I was sceptical about writing this ad but slowly the idea won me over. Box no. 20/10.

PERSONALS (continued)

Love? My eyes will tell you all. My forehead, however, is slightly more reticent. My knees won’t give you a damn word. Paranoid military nutcase and part-time undertaker seeks F to 50. Box no. 20/11.

Consult the spirits to measure our compatibility:

YES NO

ABC DEFGHIJK LM

NOPQRSTUVWX YZ

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Goodbye

Box no. 20/12.

Woman, 57, would delight in meeting an inspired, kind and humorous man with whom to share a loving and healthy relationship. I’m intelligent, interested, fully present and good company. Box no. 19/01.

Lucy Honeychurch, 28, seeks George Emerson for mutual soul searching on a park bench with a view, if a room is unavailable. Box no. 19/02.

Latter-day Leopold Bloom (52) wants smart lady to aid him in literary work. Similar age/older(!). (Midlands unfortunately.) Box no. 19/03.

M needs F to hang out with, hold, love. London. Box no. 19/04.

Indian-Australian guy, 73, living in Sydney, seeks relationship with a cultivated woman. I am an academic and journalist. Email: sushilpseth@ aol.com. Box no. 19/05.

Dostoyevsky, Bartok & Motown, relate to this? Me, attractive, 39, journalist, 5 ’ 5 ” , size 10. GSOH, quirky (at times) kind, honest, environmentally aware. Passion for music, singing (choral), acting (for fun), walking, languages & travel. YOU, well presented, fit male 36-44, seeking a LTR. jill.harvey@yahoo.co.uk

Committed family man, 50, youthful, fit, good looks, seeks woman for intimacy, good conversation, shared liberal values and fun. North London. Email to: deamy_7@yahoo.co.uk

PERSONALS (continued)

Bollinger Bolsheviks (London chapter) tmj888@yahoo.co.uk.

Man, 27, NYC, messy room and mind, seeks woman to 40 for dinners, walks. Email: redpen80@gmail.com.

My winning streak in this column is about to come to an abrupt halt with the placing of this ad. Man. 38. Box no. 19/06.

Agerum, Alvine, Lång, Delikat, Drälla, Fågelbo, Igge, Ordning, Utgård. Gentleman to 50 familiar with the simple poetry of Ikea, and no stranger to flat-pack assembly, urgently sought by woman currently living in a teepee in her own living room. Putting together my Noresund is no guarantee of sex but it does put you a long way up the waiting list. Box no. 19/07.

I composed this advert on the anniversary of the first performance of Das Rheingold for a very good reason. Man, 59. Box no. 19/08.

Man, 54, seeks someone else to 55 who shares his weekly urges to punch out Duncan Bannatyne, Peter Jones, Theo Paphitis and Deborah Meaden. Not Richard Farleigh though – he’s cute in shorts. Box no. 19/09.

Capricorn Fifteens. Born 2244. Enter the Carousel. This is the time of renewal. Re-enacting Logan’s Runin the corridors of UCL – history lecturer WLTM woman to 45 for whom the phrase ‘be strong and you will be renewed’ is often a prelude to intercourse. Box no. 19/10.

Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. M, 28. Box no. 19/11.

It’s cold up north. F, 47, not bad for old ’un, seeks bedwarmer as alternative to nourishing soups. Peak District. Box no. 18/01.

Three years ago I’d have doubted that I’d ever have the guts to place a lonely hearts ad for an attractive, intelligent man to 54. But then three years ago I was wearing work-site boots and doubted that I’d ever go through with the breast enhancement surgery and oestrogen injections. My confidence as a woman grows daily, but my taste in footwear is still determinedly health and safety conscious at box no. 18/02.

I suppose the end began with me paying for the meal and all the drinks. The brief relationship was practically over by the time he told me that he hadn’t brought cash with him and could I pay for the taxi? The formal departure, however, came with his attempt to push his debit card into my mouth and tap out his pin number on my forehead after I’d asked simply ‘do you think I’m an ATM?’ (You know who you are). LRB-reading men – either you have small change always about your person or it’s long walk home back from beautiful and, until last Friday week, reasonably tolerant of even the most stupid of men F (London, 43). Box no. 18/03.

This advert originally contained a 300-word paragraph about cats but I edited it out. Woman, 36. Box no. 18/04.

Nothing makes me feel more alive than the scent of a well-oiled castor or fake blood spilled clumsily on parkland. Office chair manufacturer and weekend historical battle re-enactor (M, 52) WLTM woman to 50 to join me at Val-ès-Dunes this autumn and witness Duke William the Bastard crush the Norman rebels before we whiz around tiled surfaces on a new pair of reclining lock orthopaedic support seats. No time-wasters. Box no. 18/05.

London Review of Books Personals

Each issue, the sender of the most notable ad will receive an item from the LRBstationery cupboard.

This issue’s winner was revealed by box no. 20/12 shortly before it exploded into flames.

All box number replies should be sent to: Box no. XX/XX, London Review of Books, 28 Little Russell Street, LondonWC1A 2HN.

Rates (for personal ads only): 80p per word for two issues, box numbers £5. We advise respondents to take due precautions when answering personal ads.

classifiedtel:02072091131fax:02072091151email:classified@lrb.co.uk

The London Review of Books is published and typeset by LRB Ltd. Registered office: London Review of Books, 28 Little Russell Street, London WC1A 2HN. Printed by St Ives (Andover) Ltd, 5 Telford Gate, Andover, Hampshire SP10 3SF. UK bookshop distribution: Central Books, 99 Wallis Road, London E9 5LN. UK newstrade distribution: COMAG, Tavistock Works, Tavistock Road, West Drayton, Middx UB7 7QX. ISSN: 0260 9592.

39 london review of books 19 october 2006