UPFRONT

WELCOME TO F OOTBALL LAND After Real Madrid threaten to build an amusement park in their own honour, it got us thinking… what would a football-based theme park involve? Warning: height and ego restrictions apply

CASH LAND Sepp’s Calamity Canyon Sail around FIFA’s stinking cesspit on a vessel shaped like Blatter’s beaming face. See how many brown envelopes you can fish out of the murky waters and win the chance to host a FIFA World Cup in your own back garden!

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, do I get royalties at all?”

Ten Per Cent Tear-Up What is more exhilarating than the life of a modern-day football agent? Nothing, that’s what! And here’s YOUR chance to get a taste! You and a pal dress up in our football agent fat suits, step into the gladiatorial arena and fight over a bag of cash. First to draw blood wins!

SEXY LAND Cristiano’s Hall Of Mirrors Ever wondered what it’s like to look in the mirror and see the most gorgeous man in the universe staring back? Wonder no more! Step into the magical hall where every mirror shows a reflection of yourself, only more muscular, tanned and attractively groomed. And wearing a golden crown with ‘World’s Bestest’ on it. In diamonds.

Sexy Pac-Man Chase a legion of high-class escorts through our maze while being pursued by paparazzi photographers – and your own wife! How many exotic sex-workers can you bed before the missus catches you? Gotta bed them all!

TERROR LAND Fergie’s Teacups Get ready for the ride of your life as a giant mechanical Sir Alex Ferguson angrily hurls his tea cups this way and that – with you inside them. Cover your ears as the awesome Glaswegian robot unleashes a foul-mouthed tirade regarding your failure to track back.

Pundit Island Cast adrift on this disorientating island of doom, you must navigate your way through the jungle of clichés aboard your giant remote control. You must find your way out without going insane or smashing up your own remote. Will you survive the ear-piercing audio assault of Jamie Redknapp’s scattergun enthusiasm, Graeme Souness’ bulgyeyed rage or Gary Lineker’s ‘hilarious’ asides? There’s only one way to find out.

House of Horrors Wooooooh! What’s that lurking in the shadows? A ghoul? A goblin? A flesh-eating zombie? No, it’s Dirk Kuyt, chasing you naked through our spooky grotesquery of football! Watch out! Here comes Carlos Tevez – and he looks angry! What’s that noise? It’s the sound of a thousand cries of despair at the sight of Franck Ribery disco-dancing in a thong! Try not to look: you only have to negotiate yourself around Harry Redknapp’s giant grumpy face and you’ve escaped the scariest ride on Earth!

The Crouch-A-Coaster All aboard the thrill of a lifetime! He’s big, he’s friendly, he’s a giant – and he has laney

De

Sam

Words

Fergie’s Teacups Ride not suitable for under-18s

28 October 2011 FourFourTwo.com

Ahorriblemonsterandaskeleton UPFRONT

WELCOME TO F OOTBALL LAND After Real Madrid threaten to build an amusement park in their own honour, it got us thinking… what would a football-based theme park involve? Warning: height and ego restrictions apply

H H H

a good touch for a big lad. Climb up his unfeasibly long limbs and hold tight as he rampages through the park, arms and legs flailing this way and that!

GOOD TIMES LAND Supermarket Sweep For 60 seconds you – yes, you – can experience what it’s like to be a Premier League footballer! Grab your trolley and rush through our wondrous supermarket, filled with everything a modern pro could wish for: cars, horses, helicopters,

ladies of the night, Dr Dre headsets, Nando’s chicken and Cristal champagne. How much can you grab in a minute?

Wag-Tag Ladies, put on your high heels, don your hair extensions, stick on a nice little dress and enter our nightclub of dreams. It’s dark and you’re drunk – can you nab yourself a top-earning Premier League star or will you get disorientated and cop off with a dreary normal person?

PREM PLANET Man City Mania Ride through a magical lake of crude oil on a boat made of ivory, hooking in international players with rods made of gold. But beware! Accidentally fish out a Balotelli and your whole vessel could capsize. Get to the end unscathed and you can exchange a goblet of four-star for the Premier League trophy.

Roman’s Merry-Go-Round Climb aboard the back of our bucking JT, unruly Didier Drogba or lurching Lamps and hold on tight as Roman stands on the sidelines, trying to topple you with missiles fashioned in the shape of Fernando Torres. No one has ever lasted for more than one circuit – will you be the first?

Arsenal Botanical Gardens Beautiful, magisterial and painstakingly cultivated by groundskeeper Arsene, these gardens are a haven of aesthetic majesty – although ultimately a bit pointless. Kids might find this part of the park slightly dull, but pretentious adults will find a stroll around the fascinating fauna strangely relaxing.

Anfield Mountain Begin at the Istanbul summit, speed through The Benitez Plateau, plummet to the depths of Hodgson Creek, then tackle the awesome Dalglish Ascent – all the while trying to avoid the Alberto Aquilani Pit of Despair. What will happen next? Nobody ever knows!

Well,it’sno

LaMasia,but...

“Oi! Crouchy! Down in front!”

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