Godless globe

Rounding up the news from the world of faith and faithlessness

Bible class LONDON Not content with expanding the number of faith schools under its new free school initiative, the coalition government is to send a copy of the King James Bible to every school, complete with a foreword by education secretary Michael Gove. “It’s a thing of beauty, and it‘s also an incredibly important historical artefact,” explained Gove. “It has helped shape and define the English language and is one of the keystones of our shared culture.” Plans to supply every school with a copy of AC Grayling’s The Good Book are currently believed to be on hold.

Trash cult CALIFORNIA It has emerged that the Church of Scientology, which has a track record of spying on its enemies, hired private investigators to rifle through the bins of South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker after the cult was mocked in the 2005 episode “Trapped in the Closet” (above). Asked what the Church was looking for, former senior executive turned whistle-blower Marty Rathbun explained: “Phone records. Bank records. Personal letters that expose some kind of vulnerability. They can find out a lot about you through your trash.” The Church may be preparing to release a dossier revealing that the apparently respectable duo in fact spend their days producing a poorly drawn and foul-mouthed “cartoon”, have stacks of money in their bank accounts and do not even believe in an evil intergalactic alien overlord. Most shocking of all, it could reveal that Stone and Parker are implicated in the death of a young boy, identified only as “Kenny”.

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Doomsday doomed MEXICO Any rationalists out there who have been busy stockpiling food ahead of the 2012 apocalypse should probably stop, as scholars have pointed out that the Mayans, whose ancient calendar has inspired numerous doomsday predictions for this year, never actually forecast the end of the world. “We have to be clear about this. There is no prophecy for 2012,” said Erik Velasquez, an academic at the National Autonomous University of Mexico (UNAM). Experts say 2012 merely marks the termination of one period of creation and the beginning of another. Roland Emmerich, director of the disaster film 2012 – “mankind’s earliest civilisation knew this day would come” – was unwilling to leave his concrete bunker to comment.

Holy stink SOUTH AFRICA An advert for the male deodorant Axe (known as Lynx in the UK) has been banned in South Africa after the country’s Advertising Standards Agency ruled that it is offensive to Christians. The ad shows scantily clad female angels falling from the sky on catching a whiff of an Axesoaked young man. The agency, dabbling in a spot of armchair theology, declared there was a danger of offending Christians because “angels are seen to forfeit, or perhaps forgo their heavenly status for mortal desires”. Putin belts up MOSCOW Tens of thousands of Russians queued for hours in November for the privilege of spending a moment with privilege of spending a moment with a reliquary said to contain a belt that belonged to the Virgin Mary. The belt, which is usually kept at a Greek Or-

privilege of spending a moment with a reliquary said to contain a belt that belonged to the Virgin Mary. The belt, which is usually kept at a Greek Or-

privilege of spending a moment with a reliquary said to contain a belt that belonged to the Virgin Mary. The belt, which is usually kept at a Greek Orthodox monastery on Mount Athos in Greece, was met by Vladimir Putin on its arrival in Russia, before embarking on a month-long national tour during which the crowds flocked in hope of benefiting from the belt’s supposed influence over fertility. “The belt of the Most Holy Virgin Mary possesses mi-

thodox monastery on Mount Athos in Greece, was met by Vladimir Putin on its arrival in Russia, before embarking on a month-long national tour during which the crowds flocked in hope of benefiting from the belt’s supposed influence over fertility. “The belt of the Most Holy Virgin Mary possesses mi-

thodox monastery on Mount Athos in Greece, was met by Vladimir Putin on its arrival in Russia, before embarking on a month-long national tour during which the crowds flocked in hope of benefiting from the belt’s supposed influence over fertility. “The belt of the Most Holy Virgin Mary possesses miraculous power,” said Vladimir Yakunin, who organised the tour. “It helps women and helps in childbirth.”

Most Holy Virgin Mary possesses mi-

Fleeting kiss ITALY Clothing company Benetton swiftly backtracked after a billboard advert featuring Pope Benedict XVI engaged in a passionate kiss with Mohammed Ahmed al-Tayeb, the grand sheikh of al-Azhar mosque in Cairo, was condemned by the Vatican. Benetton expressed regret that the image “had so hurt the sensibilities of the faithful”. Failing to learn the lessons of their previous campaigns, including one featuring a man dying from AIDS, Benetton bosses were evidently taken completely by surprise that their well-intentioned attempt to bring a bit of peace to the world by showing two senior leaders of anti-gay religions kissing had elicited such controversy and so much free publicity.

kissing had elicited such controversy and so much free publicity. so much free publicity.

Time bandits MECCA The opening of the world’s largest clock in Mecca, which at just under 2,000 feet is now the world’s second tallest building, has prompted some to suggest that Arabia Standard Time should replace Greenwich Mean Time as the international standard for setting clocks. The case for “Mecca Time”, which is three hours ahead of GMT, has been bolstered by Abdel-Baset al-Sayeed of the Egyptian National Research Centre, who claims that Mecca is a “zero-magnetism zone”, which is “why if someone travels to Mecca or lives there, he lives longer, is healthier, and is less affected by the earth’s gravity.”

Unhappy returns

Unhappy returns INDIA Anyone who finds birthday parties too stressful may like to consider converting to the Deobandi branch of Islam, as scholars at the influential Darul Uloom seminary have just issued a fatwa against such frivolities, denouncing them as a “tradition of western culture”. Responding to a query by a student, vice-chancellor Maulana Abul Kasim Naumani, age unknown, pointed out that hosting a birthday celebration is a violation of Sharia law.

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