parish

Unholy fry ups, puffing priests, Bad Faith and ex-Muslims news

Psychic insight No one likes to lose a pet, so pity poor Joyce and Peter Mearns, who have enlisted a psychic to help find their beloved parrot Georgie. The bird disappeared from his home in Islington, North London, in June, abandoning a life of luxury that included drinking tea while watching his plasma TV in his very own bedroom. Hopefully Georgie will soon be back home watching Big Brother and documentaries about the Nazis, as the psychic has kindly informed his owners that he is currently “dwelling near trees”.

Georgie the parrot yester day: happily “dwelling near tr ees”

Morality’s nemesis: the full English breakfast

Filthy dirty swine

It’s a mystery that has long remained unsolved. For centuries bleary-eyed infidels have tucked into their Saturday morning fry-ups while looking up at their Muslim friends and asking: “But what’s wrong with pork? It tastes so good!” Thanks to Londonbased newspaper The Muslim Weekly, this question can finally be answered. According to physicians and medical experts, “consumption of swine-flesh creates lowliness in character and destroys moral and spiritual faculties in a man.” Apparently, since

food is digested and absorbed into the bloodstream, reaching all parts of the body including the brain, “this in no small way affects man’s nature.” Therefore it is clearly scientific fact that, since pigs are “indulgent in sex, dirty, greedy and gluttonous”, enjoying a hearty fry-up will provide you with these same qualities. So next time you murder a bacon sandwich, remember that not only are you assuaging your hunger, you’re also reducing “the feeling of shame and as such the standard of modesty.”

Creative eye Bad Faith Awards

Kentucky’s Creation Museum (see NH March/ April 2007) finally opened its doors in June to the sound of delighted parents who can now reinforce the nonsense they teach their children with a countereducational day out. Chere Mosley from Indiana was delighted with the intellectual deception provided for her ten-year-old daughter Rachel: “She gets mad when she watches the videos at school and they say the world was created ‘millions of years ago.’ She wanted to have more facts.” However, it hasn’t all

been smooth running for the museum, which has had to sack the actor who plays Adam in its videos after it turned out he runs a website called “Bedroom Acrobat”, which needless to say does not promote a strong Christian ethos. Over the border in Canada, creationists have jumped on the museum bandwagon. The Big Valley Creation Science Museum in Alberta is the brainchild of Harry Nibourg, who is happy to debate the matter with scientists: “They don’t have a leg to stand on and they’re hoping to evolve one.”

6 new humanist July August 2007

To mark the death of hatefilled American evangelist Jerry Falwell – who famously stated that “the idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country” – the Bad Faith Awards will recognise those individuals making the most significant contributions to talking nonsense about religion. Early frontrunners include Cardinal Keith O’Brien, who recently likened the

abortion rate in Scotland to “two Dunblane massacres a day” and the “fag-hating” Westboro Baptist Church. Bookies’ favourite Pope Benedict XVI is likely to emerge as a strong contender for reasons too numerous to mention. If you come across a public figure expressing contemptible, irrational or just plain silly views on religious matters, nominate them by email to editor@newhumanist. org.uk preferably with a supporting web reference or quotation.

Holy smokes Clergy in England and Wales are unhappy with new regulations that require them to display “No Smoking” signs in their churches. Under the new smoking ban, all enclosed public places must display the signs by entrances, and the government is allowing no exemptions for God’s numerous houses. Leading Catholics and Anglicans have slammed the new law as needless red tape, adding that the signs could damage the appearance of churches. Responding to the government requirement, Church House said: “We don’t see that there is a problem of smoking in churches. It’s not part of the culture to smoke in them.” That may be true, but surely the government can’t allow loopholes to appear? Can we really tolerate a situation that leaves desperate smokers sitting in the local pub twiddling their thumbs, while Reverend Benson and Father Hedges are off down the church having a crafty drag behind the altar?

Not in the Lord’s House: the

offending No Smoking sign