ceOfGodGoI” … “If nailing a tramp who is too w****red to say no is a crime then the old bill need to get down to mine with a set of cuffs... I hope that silly tramp gets properly raped one day” ... “#chedevans going to jail shows that women will come up with any excuse to get their 15 minutes of fame.” So after his own vile admission of rape, perhaps he should be locked up as a sex offender as well; and another sex pest (ask the Bridges) also makes the news when he’s sent off for a nonsensical knee in the back of his opponent during Chelsea’s impressive victory over Barcelona. John Terry miss the final. At least he can’t miss the “winning” penalty this time. The final, to be played against Bayern in Munich, coincides with the releasing of Mein Kampf in Germany for the first time in 65 years. So he won’t be bored then. After the game, a new word comes into the English language quite inadvertently, as Sky TV reporter Geoff Shreeves’, seemingly relishing in the revelation to Branislav Ivanovic that his yellow card would rule him out of the Champions League, births the verb “shreeved”; and even golfer Lee Westwood commented that Geoff Shreeves has “just been on the phone telling me I’ve never won a major!” No he hasn’t. 25: Rooney Snr will not face charges over suspicious betting activity surrounding the sending off of Liverpool-born Motherwell midfielder Steve Jennings after he was shown a straight red card for foul and abusive language. Well, who would have backed that outcome? Apart from Steve Jennings and Wayne Snr, perhaps. 26: Police have vowed to clamp down on trouble at the derby on Monday. Chief Superintendent John O’Hare said: “As so much rests on this game, emotions will be running high and our main aim is to ensure the game is a safe and enjoyable experience for all fans.” Oh that’s going to happen! “We want to ensure that the city of Manchester, both of its clubs and its fans are remembered for the right reasons. We

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“Unbelievable game at OT today. Our second, third and fourth goals were poetry in motion. Credit to Everton, they were outstanding too.” Why doesn’t Michael Owen just do one?

“You can say what you want about Carlos Tévez but, when he plays, he plays to win and he plays for his team-mates. There are far more important things in our lives than what went on and what didn’t go on. We have that goal of trying to win the league and Carlos has bought into that. He has not come in and tried to make any big statements. We have just all moved on.” Joe Hart there showing what a shower they are. Always remember that. We’re not them. “Of course I would love to be there but c’est la vie.” John O’Shea is still a Red at heart. And a B*Witched fan. “I’ve been a born again Christian for four years. I was saved in Sunderland. It’s changed my life for the better – through Jesus’ death. People need to know if they feel they can’t talk to anyone, the church is here for them. The main thing is having a relationship with God.” Praise the Lord… Lord Snooty.

“Our mental state is fine.”

Just a shame about your head, Joleon Lescott.

“Mark my words. Man city will win the Premier League.” Only cost ye how much, Nicky Summerbee?

“He refereed the game. He was out on that touchline the whole game haranguing the referee, the fourth official and the linesmen. The minute I come off the bench for a bad tackle by De Jong on Welbeck, he was out again. He can’t have it both ways. He’s been complaining about referees this season but he won’t be complaining tonight that’s for sure.” All Alex Ferguson is short of adding is “I’d love it if we beat them.” “Once they start winning tro- phies it will then be acceptable for the real, real big players to move to a team like that.” Richard Dunne there on his old club. The massive club. “Sir Alex Ferguson has rightly said that the title has slipped away. But you can only keep going. That’s all you can do in football.” Maybe so, Gary Neville. But you can also play your best players when you can win the title in a one-off game. “Beware. If city start winning it will be hard to stop them. We have to stop them before they start, because they can go far. That’s how a big team starts, the first trophy they win. They won the FA Cup last year and, if they win the league, they’ ll get too much confidence. If they win the Premier League, a page is turned and it’s a revolution, and revolutions have always been about Manchester United. If you play for Manchester United, if you’re a leader or a captain, it’s to play in a match like this. You have to accept your responsibility. Whether it’s me, or someone like Ryan Giggs, if you ask them which title they will appreciate the most, it will be this one.” Patrice Evra there, stating the obvious. “People always talk about Michael Owen, but I’ve only played with him once or twice so I can’t really comment.” Surprisingly enough, Jonny Evans is actually talking about the former Liverpool player’s golfing abilities and not the vicious rumour he’s still a footballer. “Who knows what might still happen?” Suppose we might as well end on a slightly positive note. Thanks for that, Michael Carrick. I’m going for a lie down.

Full quota “ ” Board stupid

A month’s worth of trials and tribulations carefully selected from UWSonline’s Groundside message board

It’s a tense time for all of us at the moment, and we’re feeling it as keenly as everybody else at www.uwsonline.com. It’s the waiting that does it, waiting on that one result that means so much to so many. It just seems like we’ve had to wait for so long. Yes, everybody is desperate to see the outcome of the United v city postcode survey in the MEN. JohnnyBobbins is a right cynic – “Knowing the MEN, if United fans come out on top of this, you will never see the results printed.” Andy offered some perspective on the issue of bias: “I write for the MEN. They get complaints off blues because I’m a Red. They constantly get accused of being a United paper or, in the words of King of the Kippax, the MUEN.” It’s at times like this that the resident Manchester expert Bernard_Mannings_Ghost steams in – “look, I’ve lived in this city since the stones were formed (the ones at Stonehenge) and same as it ever was... 60 percent United, 30 percent city, 10 percent oddballs and couldn’t give a flying fucks.”

Nerves have been going on the forum lately, especially after the Wigan and Everton results. Den wasn’t happy with the attention seeking antics of a certain bookmaker, as things got closer and closer – “you know who wants choking on his own severed cock… that grade A cunt of a bookie Fred West or whatever that cunt’s name is.” Twister, probably the most miserable man on the entire internet, reckoned “he must feel like a right idiot today.” Jamo disagreed, however: “Doubt it, perfect result (Everton) for him as guarantees some more free publicity – which is exactly what he wanted.” Spot on Jamo, and we certainly won’t be giving him any more of that here.

One Red in particular on the board has had more reason than most to buzz off OT lately – MidnightMafia enjoys half time these days: “Nice to see our single inspire the lads as they ran out for the second half yesterday. I got rightly hammered by everyone around me in J as the tune echoed around the ground. If we do go on to make number 20, I’d like to think that that’s mine and Mickey’s small contribution to the cause.” Yes, if you’ve heard Midnight Mafia’s tuneless dirge*, Gorton Girls, at the match, support a good red band and buy it on iTunes. Or at least point and laugh in the general direction of J Stand.

Did you get one for city? Well done if you did; apparently more than 16,000 applied.

MidnightMafia stopped crooning for a minute to tell us: “A tout I know well has offered me £400 for my city brief. Knocked it back, obviously. God knows what they’re selling them on for. Reckon this is definitely going to be the most expensive league ticket of all time.” LeRoiEric cheered us all up with: “If city ride the arse off us, you’ll be thinking about the money you could have had for your seat at the single most miserable moment of your life.”

In the build up to the derby, some boardees tried to take the edge off the nerves by laughing at the admittedly funny league form of Liverpool, but it was never going to work. Priorities are more local, as was made quite clear by this splendid, rousing battle cry from redraphenic – “Fuck Liverpool, this is not the time to be talking about them smelly, irrelevant bastards. This is time to brood about the derby. How can a team like ours, who have realised and demonstrated these last few weeks with their body language, that they are not good enough to win the league, beat a superior city side, in the game of their fans’ life... at the council house. This is trenches time. Every Red should be making a journey to Carrington this week with a banner and a wake up message. The players have to know this spineless coma we’ve been in for a month or so must stop. We are United, fighters, who should never give up and die for the cause even when the odds are against us. Think Barcelona 84, Arsenal FA semi, 2004; Barça ECL semi 2008 and, most recently, the FA away game at city. It’s do or die, time for the players to check their payslips and ponder why they receive between £3m-£8m per annum yet need three to four touches and three to four seconds to control and pass a ball, rather than one or two of each. We need to see them put their bodies on the line and show an urgency for 90 minutes they will never physically be able to repeat. For our part, we show our faces, win, lose or draw, fight to the death or be beaten to death, wage a jihad and let every fucker know we are the Manchester club regardless of benefactor or parasite owner.” It convinced me, anyway.

If you fancy talking bollocks on the internet with fellow Reds, go to www.uwsonline.com, pay £10 for a year and get involved.

*Decent tune.

Fraudulent should celebrate the fact that the Premier League is coming to Manchester.” It’s not the Olympic torch John, it’s already here and has been regularly over the last couple of decades. Glad your fingers on the pulse. 27: Pep Guardiola, the Barcelona manager whose stock has dropped through the floor after defeats to Real Madrid and Chelsea within just a few days have left the Catalan side’s tag as best team in the world looking outdated and shabby, is to quit at the end of the season. The reason? He’s tired, he says. More like humiliated. Once touted as the next Chelsea/Liverpool/city/United manager, his team’s loss to Chelsea over two legs was probably a defeat too far. So can Di Matteo sleep soundly now, knowing the job next season at Stamford Bridge is his? Not yet. He’s still second favourite for the post… behind a certain Pep Guardiola; and Chelsea have also got their way in trying to avoid embarrassment as the FA have again decided to “suspend” handshakes for the Chelsea versus QPR game on Sunday, as they are worried that tensions between the clubs may rise if the QPR team refuse to shake the hand of John “anyone who knows me knows I’m not like that” Terry. Mmm, the fact that Chelsea have failed to win seven London derbies this season should be what they’re concentrating on. 28: Rangers Football Club may not after all go into extinction, as there are two bids on the table to take on the club, one of which, the Blue Knights, has the backing of the supporters. With the club not allowed to buy any players for a season, and with sales of the players they have inevitable, is relegation a serious proposition for the club next season? Or have you seen the standard of Scottish Football, realising that Rangers could probably play their academy team and finish in the top two? The administrators were also considering a third tender for the club, but later found out that the 50 pence thrown onto the pitch at a recent game was not in fact a bid, but a comment on the performance of one of the players.

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