SIDELINES

TV WATCH Review of the month on screen

Some job descriptions change so gradually, the subject barely notices they are being exploited. This phenomenon, known in business circles as “task curving”, explains why the ashen-faced t rain manager punching your ticket is also the voice telling you “carr iage haitch will not platform at Dawlish” and the f igure humping boxes of Carlsberg onto the buffet car at Exeter. Channel 5 make the most of their staff in the same way.

Midway through Fulham’s Europa League tie with Odense, Dave Woods broke off from his commentary to tell us about the f ilm that would follow on the channel. “Blood and Bones,” said Dave, as Odense won a throw on the left, “is a martial arts thriller starring Michael Jai White and Julian Sands.” A model employee, Dave did not clangingly leave it there l ike a sulkily executed contractual obligation, but instead displayed a willingness to chase this subject down, conjecturing cheerfully as to whether the actor Sands had played a small part in another f ilm, Privates On Parade.

A heft y s i lence fol lowed, underscored lightly by crowd noise as Fulham pressed forward, within which the v iewer could only speculate as to the expression on co-commentator Graham Taylor’s face. Taylor, you sense, is not a man to dandle a handkerchief and talk theatre at the drop of a hat, especially when there is a game of football being played under his nose. Woods’s solecism def ines the problem with Europa League coverage while all its presenters tell you it is important, they have trouble believing it themselves.

Partly it is the name “Europa”, which could easily be the Esperanto for “cheers”, and partly it is because people like Clive Tyldesley g ive t he game away ever y so often. On ITV1’s coverage of the Champions League the previous day, Tyldesley br ief ly forgot himself, downplaying the stature of the sister-channel in the scheme of things: “As it stands, Basle will go through and Manchester United will go to Thursdays on ITV4.”

Of course, just as a head teacher would not wish to be spotted by a pupil rif ling through the Fray Bentos pies in Poundstretcher, so Thursdays on ITV4 and Channel 5 are not the place to be for the big clubs. The spell that Tyldesley carelessly broke, though, is the fragile pretence of the Europa League’s relevance, which should be maintained throughout the transmission and adhered to by all ITV employees, even the hoity-toity ones that cover the Champions League.

Just prior to the Basle game, l itt le ITV4 got in on the Champions League act with its own feeder programme, UEFA Champions League – Countdown to Kick-of f. Here, Adrian Chiles, behind a portable plastic podium, spoke of the forthcoming game for a few minutes with Gareth Southgate and Roy Keane, the three positioned on the pitch thrillingly or embarrassingly close to the warming-up United players. While the more experienced Southgate blithely reeled of f key Basle players, Keane referred to “the boy there” when describing footage of their previous match.

One must assume Keane smiles at some point in his life, perhaps just to pick his teeth after eating raw sheep. There is a comic strip in this: Roy, the Wolf-Boy Pundit, in which our hero, previously denied social integration and lack ing human empathy, struggles to make a l iving in the powdered, middlinglyarticulate world of the football panellist.

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F o o t b a l l F o c u s , o n December 17, went too far this t ime. Eager as ever to show how at home they are in their new Salford locat ion, Dan Walker and the boys presented the show f rom t he Sa l ford L ad s Club, made iconic by The Smiths’ g roup por t r a it , preceded by Dan cycling past the club as Morrissey. You had been warned they went too far this time.

The show employed a part-Question Time, partroadshow format, with a live audience providing earnest questions and dutiful laughter. Mark Lawrenson immediately began playing to the gallery, while the microphone-interference noises emanating from his r ight testif ied to Robbie Savage’s high nervous energy levels. It makes one fear for what the Football Focus production team have next up their sleeve – a Coronation Street special perhaps, with Lawrenson and Lee Dixon costumed as Rita and Len Fairclough and Walker turning up in a hairnet to pick an argument on zonal marking at corners.

As a post-script to Alan Hansen’s description of “coloured players” on MOTD, surely, you might think, someone who has worked in television for as long as Hansen has would have received the odd email headed “Words to Avoid”. Maybe Hansen missed a few meetings, but it is hard to believe he remains unaware of the imperialist and subjugating connotations of the word “coloured” in this context.

The public reaction, though, while partly understandable, contained, amid the righteousness, an element of buoyant relief. The bad news for all of those who immediately complained about Hansen on Twitter is that branding someone else a racist does not, I’m afraid, make you any less racist yourself.

Cameron Carter

Modern times Football’s bid for world domination

Promotional f lyer

Observer, December 18

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The Sun, December 7 The Sun, December 7 PHOTOS

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who plays his club football in South Korea, admitted that it devalues the honour to some extent. Like Yeom in 2011, the big defender was involved in the K-League play-offs a year ago and only a minor thigh injury made it possible for him to make it to Malaysia – otherwise the prize would have passed down the line.

The way in which the shortlists are complied is also unpopular. Players collect points for winning man of the match awards in cer t a in competitions, such as t he Asian Champions League, the second-tier AFC Cup, the Asian Cup and the World Cup. Domestic performances are not considered (which has led to players who don’t get a game in the league earning points and making the l ist for a rare runout in continental competitions) and neither is the UEFA Champions League. Shinji Kagawa could score a hattr ick against Barcelona in the f inal but it would mean nothing.

Server Djeparov receives the Asian Player of the Year award for 2011

Awards in absentia ASIAN PLAYER OF THE YEAR

The annual Asian Player of the Year award ceremony held ever y November should be one of the highlights of the continental football calendar. While even close followers of football in the East would struggle to name the past f ive recipients, all know the controversial cr iter ia that determine who can, or rather who cannot, win.

The indignation starts as the f irst shortlist of 25 is announced in the summer, but really gets going when the number is reduced to six in the week before the presentation in Kuala Lumpur. This is because in 2005, the Asian Football Confederation (AFC) instigated a new rule which stated that only those players who attend the ceremony in the Malaysian capital can win the award.

It came as a shock back then as Park Ji-sung was expected to be a shoo-in. That year he starred for PSV Eindhoven in their run to the semi-f inal of the Champions League, performed well in helping South Korea qualify for the 2006 World Cup and followed that with a summer move to Manchester United. Instead, Saudi Arabian defender Hamad Al-Montashari collected the trophy.

Hadi Aghily of Iran and Uzbekistan’s 2008

Hadi Aghily of Iran and Uzbekistan’s 2008 winner Server Djeparov.

COLORSPORT

COLORSPORT

They were understandably more upbeat. “It took an eight-hour f l ight to come here but I think we should show more respect to AFC and to the fans,” said Aghily upon arrival in Malaysia. Djeparov, who went on to win the pr ize, agreed: “The award i s conducted

They were understandably more upbeat. “It took an eight-hour f l ight to come here but I think we should show more respect to AFC and to the fans,” said Aghily upon arrival in Malaysia. Djeparov, who went on to win the pr ize, agreed: “The award i s conducted only once a year. It is not on ly important for players but for the entire AFC. We need to sacrif ice. It goes without saying that only two people t urning up for t he continent’s biggest prize is a little embarrassing.”

ers but for the entire AFC. We need to sacrif ice. It goes without saying that only two people t urning up for t he continent’s biggest prize is a

Park Ji-sung was tipped to win the prize in 2006

The 2010 w i nner, Sasa Ognenovski, an Australian

The 2010 w i nner, Sasa Ognenovski, an Australian

Scenes from Football History

All are starting to agree that enough is enough. Even suspended president Mohamed Bin Hammam, under whose tenure t he award was introduced, admits in private that in 2005 it may have been better to take the

Bin Hammam, under whose tenure t he award was introduced, admits in private that in 2005 it may have been better to take the award to Old Trafford to hand it to Park award to Old Trafford to hand it to Park before kick-off in front of 76,000 fans, global television and a good number of international journalists.

before kick-off in front of 76,000 fans, global television and a good number of international journalists.

AFC of f ic ia l s have hinted at a rethink in t ime for next year. At the very least, a change in t iming to

AFC of f ic ia l s have hinted at a rethink in t ime for next year. At the very least, a change in t iming to

December or January could free up more Europe-based players, if not those based in England. Failing that, a separate award could be

December or January could free up more Europe-based players, if not those based in England. Failing that, a separate award could be given for those playing overseas.

given for those playing overseas.

Whatever happens, something needs to g ive because a night that should celebrate al l that is best about Asian football has become a thing of ridicule.

Whatever happens, something needs to g ive because a night that should celebrate al l that is best about Asian football has become a thing of ridicule.

John Duerden

No 248

Park hasn’t won since and under the current system is never likely to. Kuala Lumpur’s location 12 hours from and eight hours ahead of Manchester wouldn’t be quite as big a problem if the event took place during a gap in the football calendar. But the preferred time always seems to be a busy Wednesday in a busy November.

It became farcical in 2011. Four of the six on the f inal l ist were unavailable. Shinji Kagawa was in action for Borussia Dortmund at Arsenal, Keisuke Honda’s CSKA Moscow were at home to Lille and Koo Ja-cheol at Wolfsburg was between weekend games. He, like many others, had returned just the week before from Asia and international duty. Even Asian-based Yeom Ki-hun was unavailable as he had to play in a South Korean league play-of f match. That left just two,

ROBINSON

DAVE

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